Our concept of sex has always been intertwined with a lot of non-verbal communication. Sexual sounds such as moaning have always been a great factor while doing the deed thank to the turn-on partners can feel that just seemingly adds to the thrill of doing it more. However, there are different ways of understanding or even just reading into these "sounds of sex". Learning about it can improve our sexual wellness and relationships with our partners. So, where do we start in navigating this unique and almost upfront sexual communication?
What is sex sound?
The sounds you make during sex can be a lot without you noticing (since you're in the heat of the moment). If you do notice, the general ones are your sweet moans, grunts, or even cursing. Despite the different forms they take, these signs are generally upfront whether it displays enjoyment or displeasure.
"Language communicates not only information but also meaning and feelings and symbols of internal realities," says Jeremy Nicholson, Ph.D., a Boston-based psychologist. "We can use it to make sex better in a mechanical, instructional sense, but it also makes the act more meaningful."
If you care about your partner, you might want to learn about the reason behind their reactions. Are they in pain, comfortable, or about to finish? Taking note of these signs can help read into the preferences of your partner making it easier to build up enjoyment for them. Of course, it will take time and a lot of practice to be natural at reading into your partner. But it will improve your sexual relations and dynamics with one another.
Misconceptions about sexual noise
"Don't make any noise"
For some reason, a lot of us are made to believe that sex, an intimate physical act, is supposed to be enjoyed quietly. It's a bit weird considering that at the moment, it would seem against nature to be holding back your reactions. Some people would rather bite their lips or clench their fists with the sheets. While this can be a great way to show your pleasure, you may be sacrificing by controlling your reactions rather than just living in the moment. Sexual groaning is one of the most preferred sounds to be heard during sex since most find it is more natural and reactive to what's happening.
Moaning means your partner is finished
The common association common about adult films or sex depictions is that giving the big moan is equivalent to having a "goal achieved". However this is not true, there is no direct link between achieving orgasms and moaning. This means that moaning is a deliberate choice to express by individuals of the immense pleasure that they felt. This is important since you might consider ending the moment with your partner as they are about to climax. Considering that there is no conclusive meaning to each sound, it's better to learn more about your partners before using them as guidelines.
How can sex sounds be used to navigate sex?
NYU professor of Human Sexuality Dr. Zhana Vrangalova mentioned that an "ohhh!" can help us indicate we like “a particular position, angle, speed, or depth." By using the reactions towards what makes us feel good, we can show them what we like and what they should do more of. Not only do we express our preferences we also let them know that we are happy with the scenario that is happening. Considering the upsides, it's a great reinforcement tool that can be used to teach your respective partners.
2. Measure of enjoyment
Not all moaning means that the sex is going well. Some studies point out that straight women would fake sex sounds to boost their partner's ego to help them achieve orgasms more quickly or to just altogether finish the not-so-enjoyable sex for them. Considering that sexual sounds can be read in different ways, it's more understandable to just be upfront and let your partner know what they can improve instead of letting them get off the hook. This way, it creates a better sexual environment for everyone.
3. Volume or loudness
There is no general instructional metric that loud moans mean pleasure. It doesn't have to be your head voice either. Moans can be soft and subtle, or loud and aggressive. Just because your partner is quiet does not mean that they are not enjoying it. Since there are no conclusive signs we can use, it will mainly test how much you know your partner and their preferences. Sex is a dynamic act, a lot of it will mainly depend on your awareness and understanding.
What makes a moan sexy?
If you're transitioning to becoming more vocal in bed, you might find it confusing how to pull off a sexy and attractive sound that will make your partner want more. Gigi Engle, a sex coach, and author says that "When we're feeling pleasure, we start to lose control over our bodies. The somatic nervous system takes a back seat and we can't control the sounds that come out as a result." Like the sexiness of spontaneity, the sexiest form is natural and not meant to influence sexual guidance. The oxymoron of it seems like the more you try to be aware of your reactions, the more it would seem to be unnatural, and thus can lead either to an exaggerated or lacking reaction.
How to be comfortable moaning?
While it is easy to think of a lot of negative considerations in just moaning. The act itself is as simple as doing it. There is no perfect timing, there is no particular sound that you should make, nor a length that you should use as a basis. For starters, you can start by reacting to particular movements that you enjoy. The more that you build up on this you will realize that your partner will also react with you. Understanding the power dynamics of what your moan can do can further build your confidence in controlling the sex for your pleasure. Never forget that sex is meant to be enjoyable for both of you so feel free to lead into what works for you. Essentially, being comfortable comes with it the feeling of being confident.
What to do if my partner is fake moaning?
If you feel that your partner is fake moaning for your sake, the first thing that you should try to distinguish is the times they are fake moaning and giving out authentic enjoyable reactions. Once you understand and can read along the lines based on your partner's reactions, their walls as to why they fake moan to begin with start to crumble. Essentially, a huge factor of it starts with you also being aware of what they like and do not like. This might be the part where you will need to learn for the pleasure of both of you.
What if I just don't feel like it?
There is no obligation between sexual partners that requires them to moan during sex. If you're not comfortable or it's just not your flavor of ice cream then you can pass up on it. Pleasurable sex can happen in the absence of moaning. Considering this, factors to consider will mainly depend on your relationship with your partner. But if you don't like moaning in sex altogether and your partner is a moaner, that is a different problem that both of you must be able to understand and create proper concessions to.
What do people think?
Quora reviews offer some insights as to how moaning can be great for the relationship while maintaining that it is not a required act. Here are some of them:
"Yeah because it makes them feel like they are doing their job and it adds to the excitement. Moaning is like music to a guy’s ears. It’s like she is cheerleading him on." - Shoshanna
"I'll start by stating that I am a moaner when I’m being had. And once he starts thrusting and I become engrossed in how good it feels, I find it almost impossible to keep silent. It just takes too much mental effort to suppress it.
There's also apparently a stage I sometimes go through during sex where I attempt to talk dirty, but I'm too turned on to form complete coherent sentences. I just sort of babble about his cock, my pussy, being fucked, or getting cummed in. I've been told it is endearing and a definite turn-on for him." - Kari
"It’s nice when the girl makes some noise, as it indicates she is feeling pleasure. Being as sex is pleasurable for me, I also want it to be the same for her. Her making noise also tells me that what I’m doing is working for her." - Jason
Moaning is pretty much a straightforward topic but has a lot of nuances and factors that need to be considered. While it can foster a great sex environment and pleasure for both partners, ultimately, it is not a required act. In the end, what will always matter are the particular dynamic that both of you have in your sexual relations that determine what will account for the best experiences ever. Considering that there is no hard and fast rule, always keep in mind and have open communication to understand and learn more about your partner's preferences.
If you want to add sexual sounds to the bedroom, just remember to always be comfortable and fake it out to give the right and correct hints to your partner. They, in turn, will react based on the signs you give. Building this dynamic will help in improving the sexual relations that you have with each other.